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Sunday, March 30th 2008

9:59 PM

My bad bad memory!

Hey guys,

I'm sitting here trying to memorize a pathetic 2 minute monologue and I'm about to give up! My goodness! I remember songs just like that. But words! ARGH! *scream* Ok... maybe I should just like forget the whole thing. Its just way way too rushed for me to remember all this. Then again... maybe I can invent it as I go along... hmm... what say you? They say that dysaut causes you to be unable to remember things well and man... I seriously think its does! *foggy brain* I suck at anything to do with memory work.

This is a busy busy week. Lets see, if I do decide to go tom, thats Monday gone. I have dance on Tues, exam on Thurs, class on Fri and finally a performance on Sunday! ARGH! Goodness... I so have to preserve both body and mind this week. Most of all, cannot get too exhausted. I like JUST got my voice back. Was so loosing it the past 2 weeks. In fact, I couldn't sing for the past 2 weeks. I'm amazed I was able to pull off the recital!

I swear singing is such an outlet. So is acting. You enter into another world and you get to escape reality for a while. Sometimes that can be totally healing. Its like you get a break from being you for a while and you are able to just become someone else for that brief period of time. I wouldn't say I'm very good, but I'm working on it. Just being able to let go can sometimes be so hard. Don't ask me what acting method I use cos honestly... I don't know either! HAHAHA! So much for all that training...

Oh well, I better stop here... back to work for me!
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Saturday, March 8th 2008

11:47 PM

So confused!

Hi guys,

I know its been a while. I'm sorry about that! I'm gonna start trying to be more consistent in updating. Bravenet is just inconvenient to use. Maybe I should go back to using CB... I dunno! lol... I've been very busy. Life is full and fun and sometimes I hope it lets me forget my concerns and worries. But somehow, they just come back to haunt you at quieter moments.

For a start, I really really don't know what I wanna do with my life. I'm really at the crossroads now. A whole lot sooner than I expected to be. But in a way, I should be glad for it. I was starting to question and second guess myself. At the same time, I found myself loosing my confidence in myself. Loosing my will to learn and better myself, all because I just started feeling like I couldn't do it. Funny how self confidence can make such a big difference. I just felt like I wasn't good enough, and like I was simply in the wrong place for me.

Thats why I love the arts. Its a place where I feel secure and safe and where I feel like I'm someone and that I'm capable of doing something. Its a place where I get to forget myself and become a different person. It seems to be where my abilities lie. Where I don't struggle. Its a natural flow process and it just seems like its a part of me. I feel so passionate about it and I simply love it. I wish my love was something more profitable!

I don't know WHAT to do now. I don't know what my next move should be! Should I keep at it? Keep trying? People always tell me that I can do anything I set my mind to. But is this it? Can I really do this? I feel like I'm such a failure! Is there a way to turn failure into success? I don't know! I don't know HOW to be better. And sometimes I think that maybe I'm just not interested in the things that I'm working on. That could be the whole problem.

I hope that something comes along that just makes me go "Thats it! Thats the thing for me!" But in the meantime, gotta keep slogging along at it I guess...


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Wednesday, December 5th 2007

11:28 PM

oops...

Hey guys,

Life has been a BLUR! Full of nothing but rehearsals and performances! Not that I'm complaining cos that is absolutely the LIFE that everyone should have... but I'm exhausted! lol... This Sat is yet another performance and I hope I'll be able to get that sarong tied! I'm quite confused about that still. lol... Not to mention that I'm still memorizing the words.

Vocal lessons are coming along great! And yes... Grace rules man! She has these really simple ways for you to get what she's talking about. Compared to stuff like "Imagine there is a hole at the back of your neck" Now tell me... how exactly am I supposed to imagine that??? hahahaha! So I'm having a ton of fun. Sure gives you something to look forward to at the end of a long work week and I'm grateful for that. Now if only music and theatre could rule my life... hehehe... Sometimes it feels like you work during the day to support your passion during the nights and weekends. I'm surprised that no one in my house has complained about the weird sounds coming outta my room at night. hehe!

Thats about all I've had time for. I wanna go back for dance class, but I don't see where I'm gonna find the time, energy or moola to do that at the moment... so we'll see how that goes. I don't think my joints are gonna take that too well either. haha... But well, guess you never know till you try. I think we have found a good combination of meds for me so I'm pretty functional and running all around Singapore. I'm totally pleased about that!

Ok time for bed. I promise I'll update again sooner!
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Tuesday, October 30th 2007

9:47 PM

Wow... thats long!

Hey guys!

I haven't written in ages! I'm getting sloppy! Haha! Well, not really. I've just been so so exhausted! Mentally and physically. This new job is taking a lot out of me. Don't get me wrong, its not the hours nor the workload. I can handle that. Its the mental pressure that I'm going though. The need to prove myself. That in itself is a very very tiring experience. I feel like I have very high standards to live up to and the fear of not being able to reach that is very very real.

I've really missed writing in here, but I've just been so tired that I've gone right to bed every night. I haven't slept that early in a LONG time. I miss all of you on here, but right now, I really don't have much of a choice. Lemme see what I can update you guys on... oh! I'm writing... well... trying to write a 15min musical for the Singapore Arts Festival next year. Fingers crossed that it will get chosen! What else have I been doing... oh! I've been going for the Main Wayang rehearsals. HAha... yes, I'm getting back to my roots again. The Peranakan culture is a really colourful one!

My joints are driving me crazy and I'm back to taking the diclofenac 3x a day in order to function. I actually managed to cut that down for a while. I wish I could take the methadone during the day, but it makes me woosy and unable to function well, so that is definately not a good idea. Hope these joints start behaving themselves! They keep slipping outta the socket and its driving me CRAZY. Oh well... thats that!

Gotta go to bed now... you guys take care. I'm gonna watch some tv! Leave me a note if you stopped by yah?
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Wednesday, October 10th 2007

10:57 PM

Its been a while

Hey guys

I haven't written in such a LONG time! lol... sorry about that. There has been way too much happening in my life. But 1st things 1st... I need your help. If you have any ideas about a storyline I can use in writing a 15min musical, do let me know ok? Its the latest project that I'm working on. I think it sounds like a fun one! But I really need to get down to some hardcore writing. I've been so busy.

My joints are going insane again. I think it just goes through periods where it will do this. I just have to live with that! *sigh* Its just so frustrating! Everything is frustrating. Oh! I started my new job. Its been ok so far. Really different from my last one, but I'm enjoying the ride. Did I mention I love actually having work to do? lol... Despite how crazy it can get. But I think I like the pace of it all. And I am learning so much. So thats good right?

Ok I'm sorry this is short, but I gotta get to bed. I'll write more soon!
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Wednesday, September 19th 2007

9:39 PM

Decisions decisions

Hey guys,

Sorry for the long silence. Lots going on over here. I think right now I'm standing at the crossroads in my life. I'm not quite sure what I want to do next. I'm not even sure about what industry I want to work in. Similarly, I'm not even sure which continent I want to go to to continue studying. Its all 1 big mess in my mind. You'd think that at this age, you'd have more purpose and direction. But lemme tell you, that is so untrue.

I went to university unsure about what I wanted to do with my life. After graduation, I realized that it was the wrong course for me. I struggled the whole way through! Then I started working. And after 1 yr, I'm not sure if its the industry I should be in. Will I be able to succeed? Do I even like what I do? Am I still interested?! I don't know! I'm starting to ask myself all these questions now. And its a scary scary time!

Yes, I still have my dream. Working in the theatre. I think that dream will always stay with me. And yet I know that it is impossible. I can only do theatre after I am done with my day job. But what do I want to do in the day? I don't know! Its almost like I keep my day job just so that I can feed myself. Being able to do what I love in the evenings gets me through the day. Do you know what I mean?

Oh well, enough of my confusion for you guys. lol... I guess when you're my age, anything is possible and the sky is the limit. I guess only time will tell what path I travel down. I think its so important to love what you're doing. People tell me "oh, its just a job." But to me, I have to love what I do or I will never be a success. And I know I have what it takes to be a success. I just have to find the right thing for me.


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Tuesday, September 4th 2007

11:27 PM

I thought you were my brother

Today's entry is nothing more than something I just wrote. I wanted it up here because I have been hurt so deeply that it feels like nothing is going to make up for it. This is relevant to more than 1 party out there so its fitting that it gets a place here on my blog. Sorry its not well written, cos it was written amidst tears, but it speaks nothing more than the truth.


I thought you were my brother

I remember as a young person
I always looked up to you
You were all I wanted to be
And I respected you

Many lessons you taught me
Filled with bible truths
I always sat there and listened
And I was filled with awe of you

We always served together
Fun times we often had
It could be at Orchard Geen
Or dishwashing, getting wet

I thought you understood me
I thought you knew me well
I never failed to share with you
Even when things were not well

And so my brother, looking back
It seems a long long way
You'd think with all that history
You'd know more than my name

And so to you my brother
I have but this to say
I thought you were my brother
I thought you were my friend






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Friday, August 31st 2007

4:11 PM

Last Day

Hi guys

Its my last day at my first job. I can truly say that the feelings are so so mixed. On the one hand, I feel cheated. I felt like I gave my all on this job. Ok, so maybe I couldn't always be where everyone was. Yes, I fell sick in the middle and ended up in the hospital. But on the other hand, I came back even when I was on MC. I came in at regular times on regular days and pushed myself beyond what I felt I could do. On the last month of my MC, I came back every single working day. I even stayed late on some days. I pushed myself so hard that people thought I was insane. And after that, no matter how sick I felt, I stayed in the office to work. I tried to do my best. And yet, it seems like my best was just not good enough. I've realized how dangerous it is to get attached to the people at work. You get lulled into a false sense of security and by the time you wake up, its just too late. Do you get rid of people cos they had something happen to them that they can't control? Well here they do. The world is cruel.

And yet, its the start of a whole new adventure for me. Time to put the past behind and look forward to what the future can give. Maybe its time for me to start on a fresh new page. I really don't know what the future holds. All I can do is to take things 1 day at a time. I don't even know what company I wanna go to. I'm just going for all the interviews as they come. Hopefully God will lead again. Cos my leading really does suck. But I do have a few companies that interest me. Hopefully they will be the right ones. I find myself at the crossroads again. With so many ways to go. I hope the path I choose will be paved for me. Somehow.

I am writing for the ACTS musical. How funny that a chance to serve comes at a time like this. How odd that the musical deals with young adults and their problems being out in the world today. How true the story seems to me. How real the emotions are. I find the chance to express myself through music and song once again and I am grateful for that. Without which, my one outlet would be lost. I almost thought it was. I find the strength to pick myself up knowing that in the end, God's will always prevails. Even though we may not see it the way He does. I leave you with lyrics from a song I like.

"Oh rejoice in the Lord, He makes no mistakes.
He knoweth the end of each path that I take
For when I am tried and purified
I shall come forth as gold."
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Monday, August 20th 2007

2:08 PM

Ugh...

Hey guys!

Guess where I spent most of my morning? Yeah! In the toilet! I was puking and having diarrhea the WHOLE morning. And my tummy hurt so bad that I was about to cry! But i think its better now! I hope... *cross fingers* As long as it stays this way, I won't have to head down to the doctor... UGH... I keep seeing the GP and I bet she is SO sick of seeing my face but lately things just keep happening! Thank goodness the office covers the medical bills...

I've realised that when I hurt at night, I start scratching myself for some weird reason. And I end up with a ton of scratch marks and long lines on my arms when I wake up. You'd think that the dog scratched me or something! Isn't that like weird?

Anyway, went to watch the King and I last night and it was pretty good. The theatre was pretty empty though. I liked the kids. They were local and soooo cute! Louie on the other hand was wearing braces and for the life of me, I couldn't understand a WORD that he was saying! I think it was the braces... but honestly, WHY choose a boy who is wearing braces?? He had a nice singing voice, but the talking and words were just lost on me. Next up... Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?? It sounds quite nonsensical! But I've been told that its actually a good show! Hmmm... I'll think about it. The tickets aren't cheap!

The Lyrica seems to be helping! I think I just need to take it more than once a day. Its sure expensive though! And I don't think they have generics just yet... so bwt that and the methadone... I'm broke! Sheesh... Private patient medical bills are just a tad too high for me to handle. I had to get my dad to help me pay for the meds cos I can't fork out 200+ bucks for them! I don't earn THAT much you know...

Ok... I gotta go. I think the tummy is acting up again. Its churning! I dunno what on earth is wrong with it! Take care you all!
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Monday, August 13th 2007

3:22 PM

Facebook

Hey guys!

Any of you out there with facebook who I have not added yet?? Lemme know and I'll add you. I'm totally nuts over facebook right now. Been playing on it and catching up with friends and stuff through it. I've found so many old friends and classmates that its simply amazing! Haha! My Friendster and MySpace accts are sitting dormant right now cos I haven't had time to spend on them.

I went to see the doc last week cos I ate a bagel and started throwing up and couldn't stop! She gave me a shot and that helped stop the throwing up. Thank goodness! That was freaky. I saw my regular docs last wed. I got started on Lyrica officially. 150mg but only once a day cos we're in the testing phase now to see whether it has any bad side effects on me. It costs a lot though! Probably cos there is no generic! I hope I don't bloat or loose hair or any of that kinda thing! It makes me slightly drowsy, but thats about all that it has done thus far. *keeps fingers crossed* They also gave me buscopan for my spasms. But I think I gotta get that changed. Its doing absolutely nothing for me! Its like popping candy. lol...

Did you know that Tiger Balm came up with a new neck and shoulder rub? Its supposed to be stronger than the original one. I wanna try it but I don't dare to use it in the office cos of the smell! And I was out yesterday and FINALLY bought a memory foam pillow. That is something that I really need. I slept on it last night and boy did i sleep good! Didn't wake up even once! And for the 1st time, I didn't wake up with a sore neck so I think its really helping me! Its quite comfortable, but I think it takes some getting used to.

Ok. My quote for today is " Every day has its own sweetness provided we learn to recognize and enjoy its essence." by Vasuprada Kodati. Sometimes we have days that we wish could just end cos they suck so bad. But its on days like that that we have to look at the positives and remind ourselves to be grateful for them. Anyone agree?


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